母语润色案例20181022,EditSprings,艾德思



 

母语润色案例来源于实际母语润色工作,均经作者同意或对内容修改后公布.

转载自立文悉通

中文

 

第10天予以卵蛋白6ml雾化吸入激发,每日一次,每次10分钟,吸入5周,建立哮喘小鼠模型.

 

译文

 

Since day 10, the mice inhaled 6 ml solution containing ovalbumin for challenge in 10 min, once daily, for 5 weeks to establish a mouse model of asthma.

 

母语润色后

 

As a challenge, beginning on day 10, the mice inhaled a 6 ml solution containing ovalbumin over 10 min, once daily, for 5 weeks to establish a mouse model of asthma.

 

 

分析

 

1. 表达"操作从某天开始进行',可以用beginning on, 比 since更合适也更常见.since表示"自...以来',常和完成时搭配.

 

 

 

2. solution虽然是不可数名词,但是前面常加a.

 

model前也常用a,虽然有时是多只动物,但只要是一种疾病模型,前面也仍然用a.

 

另外,在这个句子中,我们还可以看到challenge也加了a,这个也很常见:

 

 

 

很多词前面都习惯加a,并不限于可数名词,如下:

 

have a pain in your head

have a cough

have a cold

have a blood test

have a surgery

have a family history of

show a close relationship

show a good correlation

patients with a confirmed diagnosis of

have a good outcome

a retrospective analysis is performed

a questionnaire survey is conducted

women with a scarred uterus

 

3. in 10 min表达出的意思是在10 min以内,而中文意思是持续10分钟,所以用for 10 min更准确,不过这里为了避免和后面for 5 weeks中的for重复,选用了over 10 min.

 

4. "每天一次'最常见的表达就是once daily,比once a day和once per day常见;daily不光可以用作形容词,也可以用作副词.

 

once daily前后并不一定要用逗号隔开,但这句话中once daily前的句子成分较多,为了让结构更加清晰,用逗号隔开,相当于一个插入语,这样在阅读的时候并不会感觉冗长.

 

以下情况就必须要用逗号隔开了:

 

 

 

5. 在原译文中,inhale后面的宾语太冗长,因此可以把challenge提到最前面,宾语不至于太冗长.

 

Since day 10, the mice inhaled 6 ml solution containing ovalbumin for challenge in 10 min, once daily, for 5 weeks to establish a mouse model of asthma.

 

 

 

As a challenge , beginning on day 10, the mice inhaled a 6 ml solution containing ovalbumin over 10 min, once daily, for 5 weeks to establish a mouse model of asthma.

 

而且,后面讲的都是关于激发(challenge)的操作,将as a challenge放在最前面起到一个统领后文的作用,读者阅读到这里就明白后面要讲些什么.

 

这种处理方法很常见,比如我们要表达治疗后的结果,尤其是涉及到多个结果的时候,可以把after treatment放在最前面,比如:

 

After treatment , serum A level was significantly increased, and serum B level was significantly reduced. 

 

如果我们按如下方法表达:

 

Serum A level was significantly increased and serum B level was significantly reduced after treatment .

 

那要看到最后才明白说的是治疗后的结果,而且从语法上来说after treatment到底是针对serum A level和serum B level而言,还是仅针对serum B level而言,并不明确.

 

比较句型中,我们也常把参照的对象放在最前面,比如:

 

Compared with group A , group B had a significantly incresed X level, while group C had a significantly reduced X level.

 

这样也同样可以避免把group A放在最后导致句意不够明确的问题. 

 

 

 

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